True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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