Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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