I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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