I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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