So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
