I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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