Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
