I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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