I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
