Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
