it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
