If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
