Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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