I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
