Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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