when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
