No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
