she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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