hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
