We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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