he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
