I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
