Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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