Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
