So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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