If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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