My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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