i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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