this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
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i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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