In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
