I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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