I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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