Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
