Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
