I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just pee around me
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I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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