I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
50% drunk capacity currently
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
