Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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