bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize