I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
