in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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