I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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