At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
