I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
