I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
