So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
it was like eating out sand paper
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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