Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
