Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So vagazzling was a success
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
