Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
