Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
