Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
