My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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