Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks