We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Your mankini haunted my dreams.